This plan, however, was basically ripped out of my fingers and thrown into a fire, and as I watched the beautiful bow singe and the paper burst into flames in front of my very eyes, I had a striking revelation. My little perfect plan may not have been God's plan. There were secretly some deep rooted areas of bondage that my husband and I struggled with individually and as a couple. Fear ruled my life. My need to be in control of everyone and everything I encountered was unbearable to live with. My husband was in bondage to his own desire for pleasure. We were not connecting as a couple because we were stuck in our own pain and couldn't look past ourselves to even see each other. There was an emptiness in our home and in the love we shared. The foundation we built our lives on was not as solid as we would have thought just a year earlier when we got married. We said Christ was the Lord of our home, and even had a cute little plaque hanging above our bedroom door declaring this same truth, but was it really true for us?
After a long year of grief, adjusting, choosing, forgiving, healing, grief, choosing, humbling ourselves, adjusting, and much much change, I am thankful that the events of the past year have brought me to a place of openness and freedom that I could have never reached otherwise in which I have become aware that I am not in complete control of my own life, nor do I want to be. I will clarify right now, I am not thankful for what happened. But I have learned how to be thankful in it. Nor am I the only one who was effected by the events that took place. But I am thankful to have been brought back into the arms of a trustworthy God who can clean up the mess that we cannot. After seeing my beautiful plans turn into nothing but lifeless grey ashes, I finally laid down. Not in hopelessness, but in freedom. I finally begged the true Lord of my life to fix what we had broken. And I moved into a place of freedom in which I wanted nothing more than His best for our lives, His plans to prevail, His glory to be shone through our family. I let go of this desire to have a perfect life story, and embraced the pain and miracle of a broken one that we hope will point everyone we encounter to Jesus Christ.
I have done things in the last year of my life that I would have never, ever, ever imagined. I watched my husband get arrested in front of my very eyes and drive off to be taken to jail. I saw him in handcuffs standing in front of a judge, who in the natural world seemed to hold our entire future in his hands. We moved out of our own home, boxed up all of our new wedding gifts, and lived with my in-laws for nine months. I heard my husband plead guilt to a felony. And most recently, I just dropped my husband off at jail for his first of 84 days there. This is now day number 2. And here I sit, with a broken mess of a life, and I couldn't be more free! I couldn't be more thankful. I would have never known such great Love, such a great Redeemer, such indescribable Power, such an amazing God for whom nothing is impossible had we not been thrown into that fire with our neat little plans. I would never have had the chance to start over again with my husband. To rebuild our marriage on a foundation that doesn't move. To fall in love with him all over again, and this time much much more deeply than the first. And here I sit, unsure of what is next, but as excited to see what God has in store for us.
There is much more to that story, which I am sure will come up in bits and pieces as we move forward. That process is all documented in a book I spent the last year writing called Rescued, which I hope to publish in God's perfect timing. This blog is not as much about the past, it is about the present story God is writing and the deep hope we hold that our future is bright despite the darkness of this past year. It is about how God is going to turn those ashes into something beautiful. It is about how God is not only going to heal us as individuals and our marriage, but we believe and pray that He will also heal each member involved. What happened effected our families and friends, an entire community, and particularly another family. We pray so often for the victim of this mess and the entire family that was also effected, that they would be healed.
Because I am not sure what this Author has in mind for the blank pages ahead, I will simply introduce Him. I have gotten to know Him in very intimate ways throughout the past year. And I would not trade this intimacy for anything. The primary Author and Lord of my life is my:
Loving Father. Precious Redeemer. Perfect Sacrifice. Present Help. Loving Friend. Solid Rock.
He is able. He is faithful. He never fails. He never changes.
He never lets go of the grip He has on me.
His perspective is higher. His power is unending. His mercy is new every single morning.
He has power and foresight to create and execute perfect plans in the lives of those who trust Him.
He is always with me. He never leaves me. He is in control.
He can part the oceans. He can restore sight.
He binds up my wounds. He heals my soul. He wipes my tears.
He has never once failed me.
His blood washes me. His power breaks the chains that bind me.
He is my Leader, Counselor, Protector, Provider, and First Love.
He is all that I need.
He is the One I want to write the story of my life.
He is the Lord of my life,
Jesus Christ.
To clarify my thoughts, I believe we partner with Christ as we live our lives. I am not under the "puppet" illusion where I assume He is holding the strings and I just move as He moves me. To be honest, there are times in which I would love that. But I know that God designed humans to think and gave us an incredible and powerful gift of choice. This gift can be a blessing and curse all at once. My husband made a choice which effectively sent our plans into the flames. And he also made a choice after to turn from his sin, to repent and beg for mercy, and allow God to do a work in him. I have finally CHOSEN to submit my will, desires, emotions, and freedom under the authority of Jesus Christ. And this is not a choice that I will only make one time in my life, this is a choice I will continue to make each and every day. It is a choice to submit. It is a choice to come under God's authority and plan. It is a choice to choose life over death every single day, no matter what I see or feel. I saw and felt a lot yesterday, but it didn't move my trust in Jesus Christ nor my commitment to Him.
The purpose of this blog, therefore, also came as a recent revelation. It has recently been revealed to me that our story is not just about my husband and I. It is not just for us. It it not just for our own faith, our own pleasure, our own success and enjoyment. No, our story is for others. Our story is for anyone we might come in contact with. And our story is not the only one worth sharing. We all have a story, and each of our stories matter. Revelation 12:11 says, "We overcome by the blood of the lamb, and the WORD OF OUR TESTIMONY." The Bible is full of testimonies- stories of normal people, like you and me, who make mistakes and have struggles and mess up and try again and are never perfect but constantly being perfected- who God used in an incredible way to tell the ultimate story of His love and mercy.
I know all good writers have a specific audience of people to whom they are writing, and I struggle to choose a specific age or demographic group that this blog is primarily targeted for. So rather than the young or old or people who know Christ or not or people who have had experiences similar to mine or not, I am writing to the thirsty. This blog is for anyone who wants more. Anyone who wants to go deeper. Anyone who wants to be amazed. Anyone who wants to hear more about Jesus Christ. Maybe you have known Him your whole life and maybe you have no idea what I am talking about. If you are thirsty for a sip or a gulp, I don't care. Just come and listen. I want this blog to narrate the story that Christ is writing.
As I conclude the introduction to this blog, the lyrics of this song have been stirring deep within my spirit. Come and listen. Come and read. Come and be amazed by a God who is able to do far more than you could even imagine or think about. (Ephesians 3:20) Even if no one else reads this, it builds my own faith to write. To recount His deeds. To remember His faithfulness. To articulate how His hand has been on us every single step of the last year.
This is His story, I am just the narrator.
Jesus, be in control of the story of my life.
Be the author.
Take the pen.
This is His story, I am just the narrator.
Jesus, be in control of the story of my life.
Be the author.
Take the pen.
What about your story?
Who is the primary author of your life?
Who is the primary author of your life?
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