1. Discipline (no matter how I feel, will do what I decided I would do and stick to it)
2. Focus (have the skill of tuning out the world if I have a task to be done)
3. Achiever (have to accomplish something every day, love check lists and crossing off tasks)
4. Belief (everything I do has to be connected to a higher purpose. Everything I invest in or talk about must have a higher purpose and deep intentionality)
5. Don't remember the fifth- I am sure it is intense like the rest
I remember last year around this time seeing a kid literally SPRINTING down the hallway at school, and as I came around the corner and caught him I, of course, asked him to go back and try again. So he, of course, sprinted back to the beginning of the hallway and then, even as I stood there watching him, struggled so much to walk back in my direction. Like this huge open hallway was way too tempting for him and he literally could not slow his little six year old body down. While I was as equally irritated as I was entertained, I saw myself. This is me. I just cannot slow down for the life of me. And last year as I was watching that boy, I committed to start the process of trying to slow myself down. And it has been a battle.
A typical day for what I am hoping to call the "old me" is rushing to get up, completing all of my morning tasks, then rushing to get to work so I can start getting things done, then using every second of time so efficiently so I can get the heck out of there ASAP to get home to make supper for Chris and maybe even have time to squeeze a bath in to get the kid "stench" off for the evening, then cleaning everything up right away so I can truly let down and relax in a perfect environment. But by the time everything is "done" and the laundry is put away and the dishes are cleaned, it is about 8:45, which means that with my 9:30 bedtime (not to mention the 15 minute pre-bedtime routine) I have about a half an hour to actually "relax." Yikes. I can't even imagine what a tornado I will be when we have kids. Those tasks literally never end.
Let's just say I have been somewhat of a hot mess and even though our culture is extremely rushed in comparison to others throughout the world, I do realize that I may be an extreme version of that at certain times. I deeply hope to leave that lifestyle and personality to allow a new one to emerge. I think it is that I pre-plan every second, so that if I get out of bed one minute late I start freaking out that everything throughout the day will be a minute off, and heaven forbid I leave a minute later than I had planned. It is this deep rooted perfectionism in my, just dying to have every day play out as a perfect day in which everything was completed to perfection. Yuck. I am so done living that way.
At this point in my life, I would say the most hopeful truth in the whole world for me is that I CAN CHANGE. God is the hope of this truth. He can change me. I read the Bible and find story after story after story of people that God changed. God changed Saul (intense persecutor of Christians) into Paul (unbelievable saint and evangelist.) In a year from now, I do not have to be the same person I am today. I can continue to grow up. Continue to mature. Continue to become more like Christ. As I look back to who I was a year ago, I can testify that this is true. But I am not done. I do not want to be done growing. And the deepest cry of my heart is for God to change me. To make me more like Him. To slow me down. I want to be so much more relational than I have been. I want to put people first, not tasks or to do lists. I want to live in a state of peace and calm. I want to enjoy my life, not rush through it from task to task.
Today I caught myself doing something quite unusual. You see, in the midst of my former rushedness, some of my most efficient times savers were yellow lights. For me, yellow lights have always, always been a speed up moment to save the 1 minute that I would be waiting. Oh what I could do in a classroom with one minute with no students. You wouldn't imagine. Or what I could get done at home in one minute, in rush mode. Wow. So my most normal, common, Justie reaction to seeing a yellow light is to speed up (within appropriate range of course, I am efficient, but not dumb).
But today, I saw the yellow and easily could have made it.
But I slowed down.
I stopped at the light. And I didn't have to.
I didn't think about it. I just slowed down. I REACTED that way.
I waited.
As I was sitting at the light waiting to merge onto the highway while rush hour was approaching ever more heavily by the second, something within me slowed. My heart rate slowed. My body calmed. And as I wondered who the heck was driving me around, I realized that I had nothing to rush home for. I have no one waiting for me at home. I have no one to cook for. I have no one to get home and get the kid "stench" off for.
And instead of being sad, I was THRILLED. I caught God again, giving me opportunities to become exactly who I have been praying I could be. I believe within me there is a gentle, calm, selfless person who is not so obsessed with having a perfect environment and checking off tasks. I believe that God designed me to live out of a place of resting, not rushing. I see this confirmed in the Word over and over again.
He commands us to "be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10)
He commands us to "not worry about tomorrow. " (Matthew 6:34)
He commands us to "enter His rest." (Hebrews 4:3)
I love the stories in the Bible because I can so often relate with the flesh and human experiences of some of these saints I love to read about. One particular woman I have a hunch I would have connected with is Martha. When Mary and Martha had Jesus over for a meal, Martha was completely distracted by all of the preparations she was busy making, while Mary was calmly sitting at Jesus's feet. Jesus honors and addresses Mary's priorities over Martha's, and clearly states that "Mary has chosen what is better." (Luke 10:38-42.) I so badly want to change from having a Martha heart and Martha priorities to Mary, and my yellow light incident is the first sign of this breakthrough! I want my priorities to align with His, and to choose the "better" things.
I am so thankful that Jesus Christ rescued me from my own selfishness and started a great work in me. I am so thankful that He came to change my story. I am so thankful that He came to slow me down. I do not even want to venture down the road of asking the questions:
Where would I be without Jesus Christ?
Who would I be without Him?
I realize that I have a choice to make as I adjust to this new and very temporary season of living alone and doing life alone. Should I live alone as a Martha or a Mary? I know without a doubt the old me would pre-plan every second, fill up her calendar, set the cruise control button, and cruise right through the next six weeks. But this new me has changed. The priority is not surviving this pain, the priority is change. Healing. Growth. Wholeness. Intimacy. Obedience. Honor. I want Christ to be revealed and honored in how I walk through this time. More then I want to survive this season and just be done, I want to grow through it. I want to become free from bondage in this time. I want to learn more about the sufficiency of Christ. I want to learn more about my calling as a wife. I want to deal with my fears and insecurities while I have some alone time to do it. I want to lean into God, press into the pain, and truly be healed so that the day my husband comes out of that door, we can TRULY move forward into something fresh and new. I want to live in a state of rest, even when there is chaos and pain going on around me. This was my revelation today- I don't have to implement a perfect schedule or create a perfect environment to rest, I can access this place of rest and be still even in the storm because of the Holy Spirit within me. Even when it is messy. Even when plans don't pan out as intended. That is the true test of peace and rest- not when the environment is perfect, but in the mess.
I am confident that "He who started a good work in me will carry it onto completion." Phillipians 1:6.
I am thankful that God is using this painful scenario of separation to slow me down and develop in me everything that He desires. I am honestly at a point in growing where I want Christlikeness more than someone to rush home to. And that in itself is a miracle and proof of Christ working in me...
because boy am I excited to come home to my husband again someday soon.
What about your story?
Are you rushed? Do you resonate more with Martha or Mary? I believe one of Satan's traps is to keep us believers so busy that we do not have time to rest, rejuvenate, or relax. Busyness and rushedness can also keep us from spending time in the Word, spending time listening and being led by the Spirit. Sometimes the things we are doing are so valuable- ministry, spending time investing in the lives of people, taking care of our families, etc... but they can still keep us from the most important thing which is Jesus Christ. Lets allow Jesus to be our example as even He made it a priority to get away. Luke 5:16 teaches us that Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed. Let us slow our lives down enough to hear His voice as we go about our days. I challenge you to slow down at the next yellow light you encounter, even when you don't have to, as a reminder to what is really the most important. Take that extra minute to pray, to listen, or to just take a deep breath and simply be still in His presence.
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