I like resolutions, way too much actually. I love rules and rigid and structure and guidelines. I am pretty good at creating systems of rules and then following them because I love this illusion that I am in control of this upcoming year. In my desire to be FREE in 2013, I am sensing a different nudge for this new year, which will be a lot more challenging for me. It would be fairly easy to say, "only buy second hand items this year" or "no sweets this year" or "fasting every Wednesday this year" or "name 10 things you are thankful for every night this year" or "journal every day this year" or "read the Bible every morning at 5:30 AM this year" or "working out 3 times a week this year"... The list is endless and I have done most of these for at least a month if not a year. That is not the biggest challenge for me. Black and white is easier for my personality. It is concrete and rigid. There is a sense of right and wrong, good and bad. But what is really hard for me is grey.
Balance.
No rules? No rigid structure? No monthly menu? No cash budget? No workout schedule? No morning prayer routine? Does this mean I cannot simply create a schedule and hit GO and just coast through this year, without having to make decisions? Without having to feel and discern and listen? Without having to discuss and pray and consult and ask and seek? Without accounting for changes? Hm... this will be quite the year for me. I hope this new habit of balance becomes so engrained into who I am and how I function that I can be more fluid. I want my life to flow. To be balanced. I want to learn how to listen this year. To Christer. To my friends. To my students. To myself. To the Holy Spirit. You see, what if "every Tuesday after work I go workout" and then a friend at work is having a hard day and wants to go out for coffee? What if my monthly menu says we are having spaghetti tonight, but Chris and I have a sudden craving for tacos? What if I am "supposed to" go out with friends tonight but I had an awful day and my body just needs a night at home? These are the kinds of lessons I will be learning this year. How to adjust my plans, or maybe even not make them at all.
This year I want balance. I want grey. I want to destroy this black and white mindset I have come so comfortable with.
I am calling this post "third time's a charm" as a general post as to creating new habits during a new season. Chris and I have been BLESSED to have the opportunity to rebuild a marriage for the third time.
You see, when we were first married, we were able to create new habits as to how to interact not only as husband and wife, but also roommates and bank mates and bedmates. We were truly doing life together for the first time and that experience gave us a chance to start completely fresh with a blank slate. Even to the point that after we were married we moved into our new place together, like literally walking into an empty apartment together with all of our fresh dreams and excitements. I will never forget that beautiful, warm July day. We were so hot bringing everything up to the third floor, but so motivated that we didn't even notice. I remember the first meal there, the first shower to cool down after all of the moving, the first night we got to sleep in our own home together. Washing our beaituful new dishes. Unwrapping everything from the boxes. New sheets, blankets, plates, and towels. Dozens, literally, of beautiful baskets just waiting to be filled. It was a season of gain in our lives as we were absolutely overwhelmed with the generosity of people. Everything we touched was brand new. Physically and even in our own emotions as excitement led the way. Nothing in my life had ever felt more fresh and hopeful than that first night in our first real home. And because of such a new, fresh start, we were given a chance to begin our lives together in that place. To figure out how we were going to tick as a couple. How we were going to handle paying bills and meals and communication and friends and family and church and confrontation and pain and who wakes up first and who leaves the house first and who gets to welcome the other one home and who takes out the garbage? We were both teachers and had 6 weeks together before school started. We had six whole weeks together to form these new habits. Both then and now I do believe we started off with the best of intentions. But time has certainly proven we could have done things differently.
The second time we were somewhat forced to create new habits and it was not as shiny and warm. 17 months after this picturesque move in day, we were SUDDENly moving out. No warnings. No plans. I woke up that morning thinking it was just another day. It was of course winter. It was cold. All of our beautiful dishes had to get wrapped and boxed. Our towels were stored along with decorations and silverwear and spices. Our big TV was basically just wrapped in a blanket and taken out. Our beautifully pressed shirts were getting shoved into bags by the dozen. All of my baskets were getting thrown into old potato sacks, all smashed together. But in those moments, our THINGS were the least of our worries. We had just experienced so many significant losses. Money. Job security. Reputation. Marriage. Perceived reality. Legal privileges most of us take for granted. Plans. Intimacy with each other. Our home. Our dreams. I will never forget walking out of that empty apartment. I will never forget the gaping whole in my heart during those moments. I will never forget Chris and I both sitting in that empty room, sobbing. Holding each other. Holding onto Jesus.
When we walked out I remember looking back for one last glance and seeing an image of us moving in with huge smiles on our faces and all of the hope in the world, never having known what the years ahead would hold.
In that place of loss, we were also forced to create new habits. We were suddenly living in a new home, with new roommates, with a new daily schedule, new financial needs and demands, new priorities, new unexpected pain. And we were forced to create new habits. New means of communication. New financial plans. New routines and schedules. And despite all of the loss, I will say that the habits we created the second time were healthier than the first.
And now, 15 months after that second cold and dreary "restart," we get to build new habits yet again. As individuals and as a couple. They say it takes 21 days to create a habit, right? Well Chris and I have now not been living together for over 50 days. What a gift. We are excited.
I want to be a better listener.
I want to make girl time more of a priority.
I want to have healthier and more realistic expectations for Chris.
I want to love my job.
I want to laugh and play with Chris.
I want to confront each other in love and be honest, no matter what.
I want to get less offended when Chris is honest, if what he is honest feels offensive.
I want to be positive and speak words of life.
I want to look for the good in our life and in Chris.
I want to be less rigid and more spontaneous.
I want to be free.
I want to be in the Word, not to check it off some list, but because I am so in love with Christ and because I have an understanding of the POWER it contains.
I want to bear all things for those I love with a better attitude.
My latest revelation is that love bears all things. Love bears ALL THINGS. Think of what Jesus Christ bore on the cross. Think of the pain, the agony, the suffering that He bore. He bore our sins. My husband's mistakes. My unforgiveness and anger. My weaknesses. My fury. Christ has already paid the price. In my quest to become more like Christ, I rejoice in the opportunity to partake in His suffering and therefore glory of bearing all things in love. (1 Peter 4:13)
So here is me not making a list of new years resolutions. :) No, really these are things I have prayed through and want to be intentional to maintain when Chris gets home. They are posted in a cupboard in our kitchen. I will go to this list as often as needed until these INTENTIONS become REALITIES. I just recently stumbled upon a book written by a woman who chooses one word every year to focus on. I barely read the cover to discover the premise of the book, but I liked that overall idea. As a simple minded gal, rather than having this big list of tasks to-dos to check off this new year, simplify the desires of my heart into one word.
2013 will be a year of FREEDOM.
I could stop there, but of course won't. I have far too many thoughts to follow this word!
1. Giving Freedom to Christer VIA WANTING, NOT NEEDING him
I do not NEED to be with Christer to survive, I want him. Jesus is Enough and all that I truly need.
I will walk next to Christer in life, side by side. Not clinging too close nor straying too far.
I am intentionally committing myself to allow, plan for, and expect consistent separation.
I will not make plans for him nor assume his priorities are the same as mine.
I will not wedge myself into his personal relationships with others.
I will give him freedom to do what he needs and desires to be healthy.
I will support him in pursuing other interests and hobbies including fishing and ESPN.com
I will go to the grocery store without him.
I will always drive myself to work. (don't ask)
When he wants to go fishing for a weekend I will say, "Go have a great time!" w/ a big smile on my face.
I will both support his need for separation and also initiate it from my own end as I pursue my own individual interests, relationships, and hobbies.
I will continue to maintain friendships and depend on others, refusing to put Christer in the position to be my everything.
I will be led by the Holy Spirit in making lifestyle decisions. I will live in the present moment. I will listen to know when to start and when to stop. I will listen when making decisions about how to spend time and money.
I will embrace a grey world where:
times of activity are just as valuable as times of rest
gifts for others are just as important as occasional indulgences for myself
getting enough sleep is just as important as exercise
relaxing nights at home with Christer are just as important as nights with friends
laughing is just as important as crying
pushing in and being intentional about growth is just as important as play and laughter
worshipping is just as important as resting on the couch
a daily salad is just as important as a daily cookie
And Jesus is at the center of it all as I seek balance this year. I release rigid to embrace flexibility. I release black and white to embrace grey.
Deuteronomy 30:19 "I have set before you life and death... NOW CHOOSE LIFE."
I choose life when thinking and talking about:
finances. I will recognize that I am a steward of God's money. I will trust that God is in control and He will meet every need. 1 Peter 4:10 - Philippians 4:19
work. I will thank God for this job I have been given regardless of how I feel. 1 Thessalonians 5:18
future. I will believe that God has incredible plans for our future. To prosper us and keep us. Jeremiah 29:11
past. I will view all that has taken place through the lens of God's gracious rescuing. Psalm 18:16-19
family. I will strive to give the same measure of grace and love that I desire and that Christ has extended to me. 1 Peter 4:8
There, that should be enough for now.
When it comes down to it, habits are born out of our priorities, and this is one of my favorite truths that leads to priorities.
Matthew 6:33 But seek FIRST the kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
My first priority is simple- Jesus Christ. When He is my number 1, everything else falls into place. Money. Housing. Jobs. Food. Marriage. Relationships. Attitudes. Time.
Luke 10:27 Love the Lord your God with all of your heart and soul and mind and strength.
This is truly my first new habit. Jesus Christ is first. All the time. No matter what. He is enough.
I walk into this new year asking for freedom. Freedom from bondage and the unique ways it has manifested itself in my life. Galatians 5:1 says, "For freedom Jesus Christ has set us free." And I will embrace that freedom this year.
What about your story?
What is your new years resolution? If you had to pick ONE WORD that you want to implement in your life, what would it be? If there was one area of lack, how would you describe it? Self-control? Patience? Rest? Trust? Faith? Joy? Hope? Grace? Gentleness? My prayer is that the Holy Spirit will reveal Himself to you through the realization of how God can bring health and wholeness to your life. We partner with God as we seek freedom. Praying you will partner with Him this year as you seek to know Him more deeply and become more like Him.
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