When I went to pick him up just over a week ago now, I got there super early and was expecting to wait for at least 30 minutes if not an hour. I have seen people get released, and always envied the impatient friends or family members waiting in the lobby. I have already picked Chris up once when he was released from jail the first time, and those 15 minutes of waiting felt like hours. And if there is one thing I have had to practice over the past 15 months, it would be patience. Not that I have mastered it by any means, but I have learned to temper my expectations and spirit because of the demands of the circumstances of this past year. I have learned to shift my expectations and become somewhat liquid. I just recently learn that before a caterpillar changes into a butterfly, it first becomes liquid. It first reaches this point in which everything is released. Where expectations and desires and needs all become liquid. I love that. I have sought this state of liquid, and am ready for my wings.
I have pictured myself hundreds of times over the last two months sitting on that special bench, waiting to hear that door unlock and see my husband face to face. You see, the way this jail lobby is set up, there are two doors and therefore areas of furniture. One is when waiting to visit an inmate on the little skype video screen, and the other area is a waiting space when picking up an inmate. And every single time I was there to visit Chris, I would longingly look towards that door and dream about the moment I got to sit over there and take him home. In this vision, we would hug and weep and hold each other for the longest time and completely lose sight of the world around us.
So when pulling into the jail last Monday morning, these images were overwhelming my mind. These expectations and thoughts and dreams of the DEPTH of intimacy this reconnection would hold were on the forefront of my mind. Even in my visions, I still forced my spirit to stay liquid. I still felt super open, knowing that it could be very different than how I had imagined it. A huge gift is that his release was super early, planned for 5:30 AM. Of course I was there by 5:12, and was not even sure I would be able to get into the lobby area as I wasn't sure if the door would be unlocked. In the distance I saw someone walking out of the jail door, and was thrilled to think that they could let me inside. Much to my surprise, it was CHRIS who was walking out of that door! And instead of having this super emotional reconnection like we both had imagined, the surprise of seeing each other in such a different context than we had dreamt about for months was somewhat hilarious. So we laughed. We laughed a lot, and kind of awkwardly hugged as Chris has holding the few possessions he was able to have in there and we were freezing as we stood outside. So we laughed, walked to the car, and drove home.
And it was the most normal thing in the world. No emotion, no "release" or let down, no nothing. It was great and super fun to be together, no doubt. But just so unbelievably normal. It felt like we were just grocery shopping and walking out to the car together. Or it felt like we were driving home from church. So normal. It certainly didn't feel like we had just spent the last 62 days moving mountains and walking on the water. And this normalcy continued. We got home and I showed Christer some of the new things I had gotten over the past few months, we opened Christmas presents, I showed him the pictures I had taken and told him about all of the things I had done to try and pass time and enjoy the last 8 weeks, and we ate breakfast. I looked at the clock and it was 7:28 and I felt like we had already completely adjusted to life together again.
We didn't miss a beat. While it has taken me awhile to process the normalcy of our reconnection and also first days together, Christer and I both believe it testifies to an answered prayer that our marriage would not be put on hold during our time apart. I remember that day I dropped my husband off at the jail, we prayed and agreed that our marriage would not be put on hold. I was still his wife during our separation and he was still my husband, even though most of the practical ways that typically plays out were not accessible to us. We asked God to keep us. And we believe God covered us and kept us bound. He was the connection for us. It was like we were both looking at and touching Him, and that common Rock in our lives kept US bound to one another as well.
I also believe our steady reunion speaks to the truth that the connection of marriage runs so much DEEPER than just living together and doing life together. Marriage is a spiritual connection which exists in the supernatural world as well as a physical connection in the natural. While the roommate part of marriage is amazing and a daily joy and sometimes struggle, marriage transcends the daily lifestyle component. Chris and I continued to grow steadily in our marriage during our time apart, and therefore did not have so many adjustments to go through when finally at living home together again.
We enjoyed the first week and each other. We enjoyed the miracle of holding hands and sitting in the same room. We enjoyed eating meals together and going for walks. The week felt really natural, like conversations and stories came up as needed and we simply rested and enjoyed all that God has done in our lives over the past 15 months.
Part of the reason I also believe the transition has been so smooth is because I finally let Christer go. As I imagine I have mentioned before, Christer was FOR SURE an idol in my life and in my awareness of that I have spent the last year returning to God and pulling Chris down to reposition Christ as the King of my life. I have seen in my own experience that the things I have wanted SO desperately, God has only given to me once I have let them go. I believe that He rewards those who truly put Him first. I believe that when we seek FIRST the kingdom and His righteousness, everything will be added onto us. (Matthew 6:33)
Matthew 10:39 says, "If you cling to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for me, you will find it."
Matthew 16:25 says, "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it."
Luke 17:33 says, "Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it."
I love reading these verses and replacing the word "life" with the word "Chris" as that applies to my struggle. "If you cling to Chris, you will lose him. But if you give up Chris for me, you will find him (and so much more in Christ)."
And Christer is someone that I have wanted SO badly to be my everything. I have wanted him to be my whole life. In the past, I have resented my job as it has kept me from time with him. I have put spending time with friends on the back burner to spend as much free time as possible with him. I have wanted him to meet every need and expectations. And looking back on this entire experience as a whole, I have been empowered to learn that Jesus is the ONLY ONE who can be in that position in my life. He is the ONLY ONE that can fill this void in my heart. And it took the extreme 2 month jail separation for God to finish that work in me. James 1:4 gives a promise that if we let perseverance finish its work, (if we stay liquid) that we will be mature and complete. It took those 2 months for Him to complete that maturing in my life, to finally and fully let Chris go. And I believe that is the most loving thing I have ever done for my husband.
I believe there is such freedom in true agape, sacrificial love. The truest test of my love for him depends on my ability to let him go. That I love Chris, not just when he meets my needs or does what I want or because he makes me feel special or unique or because I need him to survive, but that I genuinely display love to him when I am able to put his needs and interests and desires first and stop demanding that he meet impossible expectations in my life. I have learned to sacrifice for him. And through that experience, I have learned the power of love. I have sought to put into practice that love bears all things. (1 Corinthians 13:7) And I will be the first to confess my attitude has not always been positive and my emotions have not always been in line with my choices and desires, but I truly have endured and bore many painful things for him during this past 15 months. And I can honestly look back and say it has made me love him more. My love for him has nothing to do with a feeling or emotion. Those come and go and are amazing and fun and the affection that has been restored to our relationship has been a miracle, but it is not the source of what keeps us bound in unity. That is not why I love him, because of what he gives me or brings to my life. That is fruit of a love rooted in something much deeper than emotions.
In my many thoughts during this past week, I have come to ask myself this simple question, "Why did I stay with Chris?"
Why did I stick by his side? Why have I protected him and continued to stand and fight with him during this trial? I don't ask this question in a spirit of regret, because honestly the thought of leaving has never crossed my mind. Now I could and might write a book about the answer to that question someday, but if I had to answer it simply, I would say "because I love him." If that very overused word "love" needed a bit more explanation, I would probably say something like this:
In order to answer the question of why I chose to stay with my husband, there is a much more important question that precedes this one, and that is "why did I initially marry Christer?" The answer to that question sets the stage to explain why I have stayed with him. I didn't primarily marry him so he could meet my needs or make me happy. I married him because I fell in love with the potential of what he could bring into my life, knowing it required the redeeming work of Jesus Christ and faithfully trusting in that work. I married him because I was attracted to his connection with the Holy Spirit. I married him because I believe there are things I can do with him that I couldn't without him to advance the kingdom.
I knew he was going to change. I knew we both would change. I entered marriage knowing it was a risk, and while I could never have guessed what kinds of changes would emerge in each other us, the foundation of my choice to marry him was not shaken. And that is only because my initial decision to marry Chris was less about him and more about Jesus Christ.
When I fell in love with Chris, I got a glimpse of the work that I believe God desires to do in his life, and I want to be a part of that story. I have seen his potential. When I made a promise to love and stand by Chris no matter what, I knew I would be walking into something so painful and so wonderful because I believe marriage is a reflection of the gospel which is also so painful and so wonderful. I chose to stay with him and partner in the work God desires to do in his life, knowing that Chris will provide that same source of accountability for me as well. I know I am more effective with Chris than I could ever be without him. He stabilizes and balances me beautifully. He has sharpened me. (Prv. 27:17) I have great hope that this will only grow with the years to come.
I am currently reading a book called The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller, and many of these recent insights have come to articulation through thoughts and ideas in this book. I would urge you to read it if you are married or have a desire to be.
Keller puts it this way, "Through marriage, the mystery of the gospel is unveiled. Marriage is a major vehicle for the gospel's remaking of your heart from the inside out and your life from the ground up. The reason that marriage is so painful and yet wonderful is because it is a reflection of the gospel, which is painful and wonderful at once. The gospel is this: we are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time, we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope." (page 48)
Jesus has seen every dark corner of my own story, and yet He still loves me with an everlasting love. And just as He loves me, I will strive to love my husband with the overflow of that amazing love. There is no truth sweeter than this. And it is only this amazing love, this amazing covering, this amazing King that made a way for us to not only survive this painful mess, but to not miss a beat.
What about your story?
Do you know this amazing Love? My prayer is that His love, His sacrifice, would become fresh in your life as it has in mine. Bask in His amazing love. Meditate on His amazing sacrifice. Rest in His amazing grace.
No way! I am reading The Meaning of Marriage too. Love it! Beautiful and inspiring post as I strive to never let my fiance usurp God as #1 in my life. Love you!
ReplyDelete