Ready to throw in the towel.
It is SO tempting for me to shut down. Stop feeling. Numb myself to the pain. Revert back to this old robotic me for whom it was very possible and very easy to go into survival mode. I have coping mechanisms galore, just waiting to be activated. Some healthier than others. Just waiting to escape from life.
planning.
controlling.
counting.
numbing.
distractions.
tv shows.
sleepovers.
busyness.
filling a calendar.
fake laughs.
day dreaming.
All I want to do is hibernate, fall into a deep deep sleep and wake up on the morning I get to pick up Chris. Or escape by planning and living in the future, therefore missing the present and disregarding every single thing I have learned throughout this past year.
And in this place of being so done, I come and pry my spirit open to the Holy Spirit. When I looked up pry it means- to force open by levering. To ferret out with difficulty. I beg my spirit to stay open. To not give up. To stay engaged. To keep fighting. To allow God to transform me. To be trained. To stay in a place of hope. To continue to press in even though there is pain. To keep pouring peroxide onto this wound even though it stings.
I love how 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 puts it, "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly, I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."
I love that so much. I have the control over my own body to tell it what to do. I have the opportunity to be trained during this time. I remember learning about money that I have the power to decide how to spend my money before I get into the store and make an emotional purchase. In the same way, I have the power over my own body to tell it what to do. I have the power over my own mind to tell it what to think. I have the power.
I got a massage the other day, and the process was absolutely fascinating as it paralleled to the spiritual journey in which I am traveling. The masseuse would find a knot and PRESS SO HARD directly into that area of tension. She could move her fingers around the nodule and find the exact point of pain. And she would press. Super hard. And it hurt a lot. And it would refer pain. So she would be pressing in my neck and I would feel it all the way through my finger tips. She found one point that literally brought the most intense pound of pain directly into the center of my ear. Ouch. And cool.
First thought: pressing into the pain is valuable. Hm. I like that. This is productive pain and purposeful pain. But there is more.
Then, while pushing and referring all of this "productive" pain to random places of my body, she would direct me to take deep breaths. To breath in and out, deeply. From my stomach. And as I made many attempts to do this, I finally found that the key was to relax. To relax my whole body. IN PAIN. I will tell you, that is hard. First of all, it is hard to breath from my stomach in general because this kind of breathing demands that your body be in a state of rest. I have found that throughout this time without Christer I have taken on this tense disposition. Like my natural state right now is tensity, and only when I am intentional and fighting my natural instincts can I rest. I feel like I subconsciously always have my protective boundaries up physically, emotionally, and spiritual. Like my shoulders are always scrunched. This is because it is so vulnerable to live without my husband. It is scary. I feel so exposed. Whether that is healthy or not I am not too sure. But I think the nature of the situation is what makes it feel so vulnerable. So as a response to this vulnerability, my reaction is to tense up. So back to my amazing massage- because it is so hard for me to relax in general, trying to do it while being somewhat tortured added an interesting and seemingly impossible challenge. But when I was finally able to relax, when I finally beat my own body into relaxation (interesting phrase), the masseuse and I could both feel and hear the knot release. Pretty much instantly. Absolutely amazing.
This gave me great insight into my own position right now. The tension is rising as the end of this time is drawing near. Rather than feeling more calm about the end, my flesh is actually feeling a bit more rushed, more tempted to speed up time, more tense, more uptight. It is like because we are SO CLOSE, I am mustering up all of my strength to try and get to the end. When I was a runner (woot-woot middle school track!) I was a huge fan of saving up a little steam for the end of the race. But what I learned the hard way is to not start that "I am almost done" boost of energy too soon. Timing is everything right now. Pacing. I am trying to pace this thing to the very last second because I could easily collapse if I started my sprint too soon.
I saw this same scenario the other week while driving home. I was heading onto the highway, which was completely clear of ice, but the ramp going onto the highway was still iced over. It was SO tempted to gun it, because I could see the clean pavement about 100 yards away. But I realized those 100 yards of going too quickly could be the very spin out that could take me out. Staying slow and calm was the best choice then while driving, as it is now while living.
The challenge is to relax. I believe if I can learn how to relax now, I can truly be free. If I can just relax, just release, just rest. It is a conscious choice. I had to made a conscious choice while laying on that massage table. I had to beat my body and make it my slave, in an interesting and relaxing way. To breathe through my stomach and rest my thoughts and muscles. To take authority over my body and direct my lungs and muscles. And I am having to make that same choice now. To relax.
Even at this very second, as I am writing, my husband is trying to call. He called at his usual time, then after 2 or 3 minutes we got cut off. I knew the phone card hadn't run out because they always warn us before that. I had no idea what happened, but again was powerless to respond. I couldn't call him back or anything. I was waiting, staring at my phone for six minutes- eight minutes- twelve minutes, typing, trying to stay busy, while waiting for him to call back. Finally, he was able to get through and mentioned that he had tried to call 4 or 5 times and I hadn't answered. But my phone hadn't rang. Clearly there was an issue with the connection of our phones. Then, one minute later, the same thing happened again. So here we are, already restricted, and now MORE pressure is being applied. And here I am, typing away, trying to relax. Trying to enter His rest. Trying to release the million thoughts running through my mind. Trying to let go of the frustration of this whole scenario. Not just this phone situation, but the whole big picture. It always takes a little trigger to bring up the whole darn thing. And I am breathing from my stomach, relaxing the best that I can. One hour and five attempts later, we gave up and said goodnight as quickly as we could before it happened again. And then I snuggled in bed, trying to relax.
My understanding of "relax" in this context would be to stay open to the work of the Holy Spirit. To stay open. To keep an open spirit. Even when I am frustrated and confused. Even when it doesn't make sense. Even when it isn't fair. Even when I want to be done. To continue to PRESS INto the pain and fear, and continue to stay open. Take authority over my spirit and pry it open. So that God can bring release and healing and breakthrough.
I love how one pastor put it- when pressure is applied you either breakdown or you break through. I WILL break through to the next level of freedom. And how we end is, potentially the most important part. This is crunch time. This is the last minute of a game. This is the final days of a school year. Finals time. Test time. The results and fruit we will walk away with hinge on how we finish, and therefore enter this next season. And we are determined to FINISH STRONG. We want that crown that Paul refers to. We want to win that prize of one day, standing before Jesus Christ and hearing Him say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." Every decision hinges on that moment. I strive to filter every single thought, action, word, and priority through that one moment when I stand before Him.
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 3:12-14
Well said. I am not done. I have not obtained the fullness of my freedom yet. My freedom and much of the intricacies of our future lie in our ability to finish strong and to press on toward the goal. And my biggest challenge will be to stay open. To not shut down. To continue pressing into the pain, and relax in the final days. To not be done yet.
This is a video I found years ago towards the end of a different season of pain that ministers much strength to my spirit. For some reason, watching the struggle opens me up and gets me all pumped to finish this thing strong. I have access to the SAME POWER THAT CONQUERED THE GRAVE! That same power and strength lives in me through the vehicle of the Holy Spirit. Through the Holy Spirit (and through the Holy Spirit alone) I have the capacity to endure much more than I can even conceive. I open myself to activate this power, and I am determined to finish strong.
I can hear His voice cheering me on every step of the way. And I promise I will give Him my best.
The same power that conquered that graves lives in me.
To You our hearts are open. Nothing here is hidden. You are our one desire.
What about your story?
Am I the only one who has moments of exhaustion? That is how I would articulate where I am at. Exhausted. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
I go back to what I learned seven weeks ago, when this whole journey started. It takes FAITH and PATIENCE to see the fulfillment of God's promises. And faith is the easy part. My faith is stronger than it has ever been. I have no doubt in my mind that God has a great plan and that it will manifest itself in the perfect time, that has already been set. The He is in control. My foundation is firm. But I also have to wait for that time, which is a challenge. I rest in the truth that patience is also a fruit of the Holy Spirit. I do not need to muster up patience within my own flesh, but rather I access this fruit through the Spirit within. And that power, that Holy Spirit fruit power (that I would call patience for myself) is there. For me. And for you. Whatever your story, whatever your pain- activate this powerful fruit. And be amazed at a God who is always Enough.
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