1. The gage itself.
I realized that I am thankful for the gage that shows us how full our tank is. Imagine how annoying and stressful it would be to have to try to track when the gas needed to be filled. For the more "cautious" people in the world like me, the risk of running out of gas would create a constant sense of anxiety and a constant desire to fill up at every gas station in sight. And for the more "laid back" folks, it might create some stressful situations of frantically calling friends and family to come gas them up while late for important meetings or appointments. Regardless, nothing about running on empty or the possibility of it leads to a good situation.
This is a lot like how I have been feeling recently. Like I am running on empty. Like I need a refueling. Like I need a trip to the gas station. Unfortunately it is not as simple as pulling up and pumping some fuel into my body. When wondering what this refueling would look like for me, I realized I need an encounter with God. It is in His presence that I am changed, filled, met, transformed, softened, healed, liberated, and given rest. He has said in His word, "Come to me, all who are weary, and I will give you rest." He has promised us that if we come, He will give us rest. Every time. I love that. I love how the Message translation puts it. Matthew 11:28-30 says, "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I will show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me- watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you will learn to live freely and lightly."
Just reading that brings peace to my body
Jeremiah 31:25 says, "I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint." Ah. That sounds amazing.
I need to "come." I need to encounter Him. I need to rest in Him. I sat back and realized how much I have talked about God since Chris has been home. I have talked talked talked and written written written and talked more and written and talked. And I love talking about God and what He has done in our lives. But do you want to know what I love more than talking about Him? Him. Being with Him. I miss Him. I miss hearing His voice. I miss being in that place of such deep need and such deep pain, that place where the thorn in my flesh creates a constant need to press into Him. I need an encounter. I need a revelation. I need guidance and direction and reassurance and rest.
I am running on empty without accessing His constant presence like I was for so many months. And I have been trying to give in relationships out of not having been filled by the Only One who can satisfy me. I found myself being really clingy with Chris the other day, which is an old habit of mine that I have been really successful in breaking up until recently. Really needy. And I realized that I was empty and dry and in need of a quenching, not from Chris, but from God. I need something fresh. I need a fresh anointing. And I am asking for one tonight.
2. The arrow.
Something else that stuck out to me while studying the intricacies of the gas gage is the little arrow, pointing to which side of the vehicle opens for the gas to be refueled. And as I was thinking about that along with my pressing need to encounter God, I realized that we humans have a similar situation. A refuel for each of us will look a little bit different and "enter" our spirits a little differently. I love how one of my friend recently put it. She asked me, "What stirs your affection for Jesus?"
For Chris, it is for sure getting away in nature. I am so thankful that I learned this about him, because for so long I just did not understand why he loved going up north, fishing, and hunting so much. I love the beauty of what God has made, but it doesn't fill me like it does my husband. We are just wired differently. And before understanding this about him, I felt threatened by this seemingly obsessive desire to get away and be in nature. And now, I realized, this is his refueling. This is how he encounters God. This is literally like him going to the gas station. This is essential to his health and he could run the risk of drying up without these sweet times of refreshing away. And this awareness has changed everything about how we approach planning times away together and alone.
I came to the conclusion that refueling for me is getting alone, in a quiet place, on my face before the Lord and simply asking Him to come. For me to refuel I need no distractions, cell phone off, music, candles, blankets, tissues, a computer or journal, my Bible, and no agenda. I need time. I need space. I need to be alone. I need to sit and be still. I need the freedom to weep. I need to read. I need to listen and write and process. And articulating my need kind of surprised me. I love people. I do not really like being alone all that often. I actually kind of avoid it at all costs. But I realized just how much I need it. And I also realized that since Chris has been home, I have been so excited about being with him as much as possible, talking about him and God every other moment, that I have not taken time to just be. To refuel. To rest in Him. To reflect and thank Him. To hear His voice and receive His reassurance in the remaining pressing unknowns.
So tonight I did the miraculous. Chris had a surprise date night planned out (sweetest thing ever) and when I got home and saw his adorable little plan all laid out on the table, I started sobbing. I felt so awful, but was so exhausted I literally collapsed on the couch in my jacket and all. While reflecting on my gas tank revelation and having to explain my totally inappropriate reaction to his super sweet and thoughtful plan, I very gently told him I just needed a night at home to be alone, and helped him find a friend to go hang out with. This in itself is a somewhat major miracle. Remember the old me, the needy, clingy wife who never wanted her husband to leave the house? Who hated separating from him? Who would only plan things on nights he already had plans? Who would get clingy every time he was going to leave the house? Who would have ever thought I would have reacted this way?
And Chris was amazing. He totally understood. And I think just as much as I needed a night in alone, he needed a guy night.
So here I am. Sitting at home. Writing. Listening. Processing. Learning. All snuggled in bed. Books and bibles everywhere. Tissues at hand. Ready for an encounter. Ready to be rejuvenated. Ready to rest. James 4:8 says, "Come near to God and He will come near to you." Here I am, expecting Him to come and give me rest. And I have no expectation or idea what this will look like. It literally could be falling asleep at 7:30 and sleeping all night. It could be an emotional release. It could be a calming of my mind. I am open, liquid, expecting rest as that is mine to claim as I have seen it in the Word. This leads to my next parallel.
3. Disel or gasoline?
Another important part of fueling a vehicle is choosing to fuel it with the right stuff. Now most times the Holy Spirit will guide in this area, and often times I am sure it is a combination of many needs being met. This led me to the idea we are made up of spirit- soul- and body, and that in this format God changes us from the inside out. Romans 12:2 speaks of this process: "Let God transform you by changing the way you think." God changes our hearts first, then our minds, which eventually spills out into the most external part of who we are. And this process can be really messy and complicated.
Chris and I just decided to start working out together and eating a little more intentionally. Not that either of us have a weight loss motive as this past year has taken a toll on both of our bodies and if anything we need to gain weight, but our motive is health. This is the first time in the last 15 months that our physical health has been a major priority on our radar. For so many months I was eating anything that sounded good as food was the least of my priorities as I was struggling with my thoughts and emotions on such a deep level. There were so many days that getting out of bed was a miracle in itself, and whatever food was there would be what I ate.
And in thinking about the journey my body has been on over this last year, I realized that a lot of my need to rest may be primarily physical tonight. 1 Thessalonians 5:23 confirms this truth that we are made up of spirit, soul (mind/will/emotions), and body. And there is value in naming and separating the needs and journey of each.
To give an example, I think back to the first court date I walked in to, over 15 months ago now. I remember it like it was yesterday. For what I remember, my spirit was strong. I was confident in the blood of Jesus Christ and completely covered by His grace. I knew, without a doubt, that God was faithful and was not going to leave us. My emotions were somewhat in tact and I was steady in my desire to never give up on Chris and firm in my steadfast love for him. I specifically remember viewing him through the lens of the potential of who God could make him to be. I remember praying the whole time that he would just look at me. From the moment he was walked into the courtroom in hand cuffs wearing that orange outfit, I prayed that he would glance my way. I had not seen him since his arrest and I just wanted him to look at me during the hearing, so that I could reassure him that everything was going to be ok. That God was in control. That He never leaves us nor forsakes us.
But I also remember my body on that day. My greatest concern as we were driving to the courthouse was that I was going to faint or puke my guts out. I could not keep food down as the constant anxiety was running through my body like an electric pulse. My body could not submit to what was going on. It took my body the longest to come to terms with the traumatic changes. And I made it, but I will never forget being more concerned about my body than anything else. Even from the very beginning- inside out.
Taking this truth that God changes us from the inside out and remembering what my body has endured over the past months, I realized that this physical piece is the last step of our healing. No wonder Chris and I have had a recent craving to exercise. A recent desire to eat more vegetables and less cookies. A recent awareness that our body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and it is a command to honor God with our bodies. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20) Because as I look back I can see that God has brought healing and restoration to first our spirits, second our souls, we lastly we believe He is restoring our bodies and our physical world.
The gas gage itself parallels nicely to our self-awareness. Unfortunately our bodies do not have a gage showing how empty or full we are, where the refueling goes in, and what type of fuel we need. However, I believe through the self-reflection and listening to the Holy Spirit, that we can have awareness about our needs and therefore create a space for them to be met. I believe the Holy Spirit can enlighten us to our needs, just as the gas light can pop on as the need arises. I cannot ultimately provide the rest of God for myself, but I can choose to create a space for it through my acknowledgment of the need and choices.
Looking back over the process of restoration we have walked through in each of these categories, here are a just a few examples of means God has used to bring healing. Again, much of these came from the choice to create a space for Him to enter.
I edify my spirit by entering into His presence in worship, monitoring the atmosphere of my home and keeping out anything that is not life giving (using much caution with media), praying, reading the Word, listening for His voice, writing and journalling, asking and claiming all that is mine through the precious blood of Jesus in faith.
I edify my soul (mind, will, and emotions) through surrounding myself with people who will stand with me in agreement and faith, investing in godly relationships, fellowship, counseling, processing, praying, communicating, taking thoughts captive, speaking the Word, grieving, releasing, surrendering.
I edify my body through sleep, eating right, and exercise.
And while none of these processes are completely complete, I can certainly look back and see that God has brought healing from the inside out. He has brought change from the inside out.
It is settled. Off to bed for me. And as I doze off I will imagine myself resting in His arms, at the well.
What about your story?
Do you know when you need to refuel? Where do you refuel? Where are you at right now? Do you need to gas up? It is only through receiving Christ and entering His rest that we have anything to give. We are living in a culture that is obsessed with busyness and doing doing doing. "The more you do the better" is the unspoken motto of our times. May we be discerning with how we spend our time, and make sure to always come to the well to fuel up on the only fuel that ever satisfy.
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