Then I discovered the culprit of my newly unwelcome rushedness- the calendar. Over the past year I have been forced to release my calendar. Forced. Mouth tied shut, arms crossed, forced. Closed in on every side with no escape. For so long everything about our daily life was so grey and so unknown. We didn't know when there would be court dates or jail time, and so for a year now I have given up my calendar. And even though it was a hard and painful way to release such an addiction for me (I am a recovering planning-addict), it was really freeing. I loved living day by day over the past year. It forced and allowed me to be so much more present in the moment at hand rather than living in a plan already crafted for the future. I learned that the only place we can encounter the presence of the Holy Spirit is in the present moment. We cannot encounter Him in the past or the future. We can remember encounters from the past and anticipate encounters in the future. But in my experience and understanding, His Presence is only accessible in the present. And I believe that is why my growth, my times with Him, and my revelations have been so frequent and sweet over this past year. I have been present in a new way.
Another reason I want to live day by day is because it is a command God has given us. He is clear in His Word. Matthew 6:34 says, "Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will bring it's own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today."
Once Chris was sentenced, we were finally given some dates and the fog of our future started to lift. I had two major daily life changes happen in about 2 minutes as the judge opened his mouth to sentence him- one being this new clarity and sense of control as far as my access to planning again, and the other being the loss of daily life with my husband for awhile.
One of the things that initially attracted me to Chris was his lifestyle as he was in no way the compulsive planner that I am. He has a freedom about his personality that was attractive to me and still is today. And more than wanting to make specific plans, once I met him I just wanted to spend time with him and it didn't matter what we were doing, but just being together was wonderful. Over the past years of doing life with him, I have come under his authority as the head of our home in the lifestyle of not making such rigid plans. Therefore the beginning of my freedom from this addictive planning started years ago just by being in relationship with him. All of this to say, after three years of doing daily life with Christer and a year of no calendar at all, my lifestyle drastically changed and I now have some decisions to make. Now that it is just me, myself, and I for a little while here, how am I going to live these next few months? Will I run to Microsoft Word, make a one page calendar starting from day 1 going all the way until his release date, then fill it with a bunch of crap to make this painful season fly by?
While that does sound kind of tempting, I am sensing an unction to take a different route. That is the old me, and I so desperately want to be done with that lifestyle. That kind of living was nothing more than existing- a coping mechanism I created years ago during a season of pain designed to enter into a survival mode coma where I didn't feel or make decisions in the moment or have to be present. As I think about these upcoming days, I could take that route and simply go into autopilot and coast right through the pain. But do I want to just coast through these next few months? While that actually does sound kind of tempting too, I want more. I want to fully live in and embrace and grow in this season. I don't want to miss opportunities to connect with the Holy Spirit. I don't want to miss intimate moments with friends and family. I don't want to miss these precious times, as painful as they are. I don't want to numb myself to missing my husband because I believe that very missing will draw us closer and bring great healing and growth. I believe pain can bring healing, and more than I want this season to be done, I want to be healed and freed.
So today I officially decided. The countdown is off. Yes I am excited beyond words for the day he gets released, but I refuse to waste these next months away just to survive so I can be back in a life that I am comfortable with. I believe each day is a gift, not just the days I enjoy where things are going according to my life plan and expectation. I want to rejoice in and be fully present in each day of this journey. Not that distractions are not fun and very appropriate and even essential at times, but I refuse to plan out these next months and then rush through every moment until they are gone.
Because this will be over. Soon.
And I don't want to miss out on what God is doing in and through this story. His story.
This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it! Psalm 118:24
What about you?
Do you too struggle with obsessive compulsive planning? (No? Hm... just me then!) Is there maybe another area of your life that you so desperately want to be over? Are you living in the past? The future? I challenge you to keep your mind in the present moment as this is where we have access to our awesome, magnificent, sufficient Creator. In His presence is fullness of joy. Psalm 16:11
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