One thing I have noticed is how there are so many levels of celebration under this whole umbrella of "Christmas," and in my own mind these levels have been unofficially ranked. Maybe you will agree with my rankings, or maybe I have watched too many Christmas movies this year.
There is a super obvious focus on gifts and getting more stuff.
Then another slightly deeper layer of Santa Claus and happy thoughts and magical things happening.
Then comes generosity and reaching out to people in need, a valid and Biblical focus on generosity, but still in my opinion not the core value of this season.
Then another deep layer of family. This year, more than ever before, I have noticed such a focus on FAMILY during this Christmas season. And this one seems to be presented as such a valid value in direct connection with the holiday. While I do agree that family is a valid value, after this year I would not necessarily agree that it has a whole lot to do with the core of Christmas. Our culture has created that. With family members getting time off from work and therefore creating those rare times during the year in which families can all be together, that is just cool and something I will always value and celebrate and enjoy. But as I have wrestled with the idea of not being able to be with Christer this year, I have had conviction this year that Christmas is not primarily about family.
What is really neat is the other day when I was talking with Christer on the phone, I was asking him about what is was like to be in jail during this Christmas time. Does time move quickly? Can the hustle and bustle of this time of year break through those cell doors? Does time crawl as he thinks about all of the fun everyone else is having without him? His response brought me to tears. He first said that it has gone quickly and will continue to (miracle number 1). But then he also said, "I have everything I need to celebrate Christmas right here in this cell." What an amazing revelation. As similar thoughts were rolling around in my mind, about how we have made Christmas to be something it is not, those same ideas have been shown to him in a much deeper way as he will LITERALLY have no one to be with. NO ONE. Not one single person will be interacting with him that day. And for him to have been stripped of not only the fun parts of presents and parties and music and glitter, but also every relationship, my husband has had a potentially life changing breakthrough. He is not only learning that Christ is at the center of this Christmas season, that the coming of a baby who was born to die is the real life-changing truth we celebrate, and that the life of this child has changed the course of history in a big picture kind of way and also in his own personal life. In an even broader picture,
he is learning that Jesus Christ is Enough.
Always.
Every day.
Without fail.
His sufficiency covers us like a blanket, and His gifts fill our cup completely.
And I am learning the same thing.
As I have been painfully missing Christer during this time of separation, I have been intentional to go to the Bible and ask God to show me truth. To ask to be changed by the power of His Word. To open myself to what His word says to me, rather than coming and trying to justify my own thoughts about the topic of family. One verse I have wrestled with is found in Luke 14:26, "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters- yes even his own life- he cannot be my disciple." (I interject husband into that verse also) Now that verse has struck me for years, and I almost hesitate to mention it because I do not want to take it out of context nor do I have a deep understanding of these powerful words, but that word "hate" is fascinating.
When I looked up that word in that specific verse in the Greek via blueletterbible.org the definition was still hard to reconcile: to hate, to pursue with hatred, to detest. Hm. Anyone have any thoughts about this?
Matthew 10:37 says, "Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me."
As I am reading these verses again and really wanting to learn more about the context of what is going on during these chapters, I am seeing a common theme: idolatry.
I am not saying anyone who loves their family or enjoys or looks forward to spending time with them necessarily idolizes them, I am saying I personally have been guilty of this family idolatry with my own husband. And I am saying there is a line that we can cross, and I know from experience. Anything that is positioned higher in our lives than Jesus Christ is an idol. Anything that gives us more pleasure than Him is an idol. Anything that exalts itself above His name is an idol. Anything or anyone that we could not release to Him is an idol. And I am the most guilty person I know of idolizing a family member as Christer was, for much of our dating relationship, engagement, and the first year of our marriage, my everything.
Maybe it is less about casting family DOWN as an idol and more about raising Jesus UP, higher in our lives than our families. Maybe it is not about loving our family LESS, but loving Jesus MORE. Maybe it is not as much about this idea that loving our families and getting pleasure and satisfaction in our family relationships is BAD, and more about just how GOOD Jesus is and just how DEEPLY He can satisfy us in a way that no human being will ever begin to. And the only way we can fall MORE in love with someone, raise them UP higher on our priority list, and enjoy their GOODness is through spending time with them. Not necessarily this rigid Bible reading schedule, but rather being intentional to focus on knowing this incredible God, particularly during a time of year in which we set aside time to celebrate.
I vividly remember attending a Hillsong concert just three days before the Rescuing incident took place and through the powerful presence of the Holy Spirit, beginning the process of painfully releasing Chris as an idol. Little did I know in three days he would make a choice that would bring our world crashing to the ground. There is a song, (you can almost bet the link will be found below) called Forever Reign, and there is a lyric that says, "My heart will sing no other name, Jesus." Singing that the first time HURT. It hurt, because through the process of truly opening myself in worship and genuinely declaring those words in my life, my priorities had to change. I had to allow Christ to strip me of this idol that had become so dear to me. Walking into that concert that evening, my heart was singing "Chris." He was my life and breath, and my thoughts and decisions were based on him and his response. But with one letter, one t, one cross, it all changes. Rather than making my life about Chris, that night I choose to refocus and make it first about Christ. Because of the cross. Chris will never be what Christ is to me because of that extra letter, that life changing cross. I love how that analogy plays out so perfectly in my situation. Even though his nickname Christer does not align with this analogy, I still love it as it is a constant reminder of everything that Christ has to offer me that Chris will never be able to. And it is painful. Being stripped of something we hold in such a high place is PAINFUL. Truly opening ourselves to God's Word, not to find what we are looking for but to be taught, is painful. But it leads to new levels of freedom we could never imagine. When Christ is on the throne, everything else falls into place.
There is a promise in Matthew 6:33 that says, "Seek first the kingdom of God and His Righteousness, and everything else will be added onto you." I love that. I particularly love that part about everything being added onto me. :) But the manifestation of that verse demands an openness, a dying to self, a crucifying of the flesh in my priorities. It says to seek FIRST the kingdom. The New Living Translation puts it this way, "Seek the Kingdom of God ABOVE all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need." There is that word ABOVE. I love how we are called to seek Him HIGHER than everything else and place Him above every other priority.
Someone whose journey I really admire in this is my mom's as she has been presented with some challenging situations within the context of her motherhood in recent years. I am sure other mom's can relate and have their own heart wrenching stories, but this one is so close to home as it is my own flesh and blood.
My sister, after living out of the country for a year with limited phone access, landed on the West Coast. For the time being, that is. We all have hope for her life in the Midwest someday. While my mom is so proud of her and supportive of her desire to follow God ANYWHERE, I imagine there was a time of grief in letting go of getting to see her more then two times a year. I remember reading a book by Erwin McManis in which he talks about his own daughter's desires to see the world and care for the poor and needy. I hesitate to put this in here because I do not remember a lot of the details and have not been able to find the book to officially document the account, but will never forget what was revealed to me through the story he told. And Erwin McManis (I think this book was called the Barbarian Way, so this guy is all about living for Christ and following His anywhere) initially responded to his own daughter's desire to go out into the word by saying no. Not his own daughter. Not his own flesh and blood. I love that. And not that he wouldn't open Himself and say yes, but that initial parent reaction is universal. The desire to protect our children from pain and unknowns is universal. It taught me a lot about parenting. The theory of trusting Christ and obeying Him is much different than the practice of letting your daughter follow Christ and obey Him, because that results in the complete loss of control for parents who have basically dedicated their lives to raising their children and love them more than anything in the world. For us non parents, I recognize that I do not have a position of empathy yet for this kind of love.
And with the events of this past year for Christer and I, no mother should have to endure what she just did in the past year. Watching her daughters dreams fall to ashes and heart break into a thousand tiny pieces at one mistake. One choice. While I do not say this to cast blame on my husband, it is true. And I imagine it broke my mother's heart almost just as much as mine. Another challenge my mom has had to face is that while Christer and I are the very very "close" children only being five hours a way ("close" is such a relative term), I imagine it has been a challenge to let go of being able to just stop by and check in or bring a meal or take us out to eat. Particularly considering the circumstances of the past year.
On paper, my mom has had a hard few years. For awhile, one daughter living on the other side of the country and the other with the in-laws due to intense and painful sudden life changes. (I am sure another challenging element in the circumstance, even though we were ALL so thankful for how that worked out and Chris's parents willingness to take care of us.) So while I believe my mom is genuinely satisfied with her life, I know this was a process that took years of choosing to let go. Once you have lost the opportunity to call or your daughter for a year. Once you have had to give up your desire as a mom to take care of your daughter in such a season of pain. Once you have been let down by the man who promised to care for your daughter. Once you have seen your daughter's heart be broken and world be shattered with one choice. She has learned how to let go and how to trust.
And she has.
She loves Chris more now than she did before. She has accessed the powerful gift of forgiveness that was so freely offered to her by Jesus Christ and has extended that to my husband. She has chosen to believe the best in him even while her heart was broken just as much as mine. And even more deeply than that, she has chosen to trust in Jesus and put ALL of her hope in Him. He truly is the only One who will ever be faithful to her, and she has learned that the hard way. She has learned how to trust Jesus with her most precious gifts in life- her children. Not being a mother myself, I really can't imagine the pain she has been through, but I know I will get glimpse of it someday. I already have a vision of holding my child for the first time and seeing my mom in a new light. In the light of loving someone so much more deeply than you could have ever imagined. Of never wanting them to feel any pain. Never wanting them to fall. I get teary just thinking about what she has been through.
Back to Christmas, I am also not saying it is bad by ANY MEANS to enjoy being with family and celebrating family traditions during this holiday season, but I am learning about a deeper love for Christmas than family traditions as I do not have the luxury of enjoying time with my immediate family this year. And again, I know I am not the only one. There are people in my life that come to mind often who are celebrating their first Christmas without a loved one here on this earth anymore. Families in which a member is serving our country overseas. Families that have had devastating tragedies of separation, loss, divorce, death, etc. The list of pain is endless. And I believe this is, in part, why Christ made such a strong statement about this idolization of family during his time on earth in these verses we just read. Families, as much safety and stability and love and support as they provide and as GOOD as that is, are made up of human beings. His command to keep family in their place is for our own protection. I do not believe that verse means we should detest our families, but maybe hate would be an appropriate word in comparison to how much we love and depend on Jesus. For our own freedom.
Human beings are not omnipresent. They are not omniscient. They do not transcend time or aging. They do not escape death. They are not perfect. They will let us down. They will hurt us. They will leave. There is no guarantee of tomorrow for any human being. And THAT is what is so amazing about building your life on the Rock. God is the Only One who will always be there. He is the Only One who never changes. He is the Only One who is always faithful, that we can always count on. What a great thing to celebrate this Christmas season. The faithfulness and love of a Father who sent His beloved Son into the world to die to save us and give us eternal life. He will never change. He will never walk away. He will never leave us nor forsake us nor abandon us. He knew the powerful life of His Son was far greater than His own affection for Him. His work on the cross is already done. It is set in stone. And each of us has access to eternal life through the life of this baby Jesus Christ.
I am truly, finally getting to a place where I can at least open my mouth and say that all I want for Christmas is Jesus Christ. He is more than Enough for me. While my emotions do not always align or feel that way, it is the deepest desire of my heart. More than I want my husband to buy me fun things, I want to continue to see the miraculous provision of a loving Father who gives good gifts to His children. More than I want to wake up on Christmas morning next to Christer, I want to know the love of my true Bridegroom more intimately. More than I want to open gifts and enjoy traditions together, I want to hear my Master's voice and experience the Powerful Presence of my Redeemer in moments of loneliness. More than I want to touch Chris, I want to be made strong in my weakest places by the Only One who will always be enough for me.
Plus, on lighter note, I promised Christer we could keep the Christmas decor up for at least a month after he is released. We can watch Christmas movies every night and celebrate both the fun and meaningful parts of the holiday together and with family and friends when he is out. We can go ice skating and drink tea by a warm fire. We can open gifts and enjoy each other's presence. And it will be more fun this year than ever before because those traditions and celebratory times will be in their place, below the baby Jesus who came to die for us.
And on another side note, if you are so blessed to be married and get to enjoy this time of year with your spouse, I BEG YOU to PLEASE enjoy them. Please appreciate them. Please look in their eyes. Please hold their hand, and when you hold it, really hold it. Really feel that connection a simple touch can bring. Please enjoy sitting near them. Please enjoy going to bed next to them. Thank them for their presence in your life, and thank Jesus for that precious gift of a spouse. If there was one thing I could have in the natural world for a gift, it would be just to touch Chris. Just one touch. Just to touch his face. Just to hold his hand. Just to sit near him. Someday. Someday soon. And we can only hope that precious and simple gift of a touch will not be taken for granted again.
And for now, this time apart is a gift, because we are truly getting everything we need in this tiny Baby that was born into the world to take away our sins. In our lack, we are able to focus on all that we have been given. In the circumstances of the past year, the greatest gift we were given is a promise that God will remove our sins from us, as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12) through the agonizing death of Jesus Christ. And this promise that Jesus will stand in the gap as our Advocate, and that when the Father looks at us, He will see the Righteousness of His own Son who already bore our sins and shame. (2 Corinthians 5:21)
During this Christmas season we are being stripped of all the distractions that could keep us from meditating on Christ during this time. What an amazing gift, and this stripping we have endured is creating a space for us to enjoy and appreciate this gift of salvation in a completely new way. The truth of the gospel is so fresh in our lives. This just might be the best Christmas ever.
Jesus, you truly are the best gift. All I want for Christmas this year is You.
Forever Reign
What about your story?
What are you most excited to celebrate this year? Who are you most excited to spend time with? Again, I am a huge fan of enjoying the heck out of being with family. My sister is flying in tonight for a whole week to be with us from Portland, OR and I am rejoicing in that miracle daily as I anticipate quality time together!
I know without a doubt if I were not in this crisis I would be celebrating much differently myself. While I do not want to put a damper on all of the Christmas fun, which I do believe Jesus thoroughly enjoys when it is kept in its rightful place, I do dare you to go deeper this year. I dare you to ask yourself what it is that you have made an idol in your life? We all have them, and they vary from season to season. Rather than feeling shame, ask Him for freedom in that area of life. When Christ is first, everything else falls into place. Again, maybe it is less about casting everything we love DOWN and more about exalting Jesus Christ UP on His throne. Maybe it is both.
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