Our conversation began with talk of the things we give power away to. Fears. Worries. Concerns. What will people think? How will I make it? What if ______ happens? In my own life, I have given so much power away to the fact that I do not like to be home alone at night. As the events of the past year unfolded and this unknown jail situation was lingering, we found ourselves making plans for something we knew nothing about around my fear of living alone. Our initial plan was to wait until Chris was sentenced, served time in jail, and THEN we would find our own place to live. Basically so I would not have to ever live alone. If that plan had manifested itself we would still be living with other people. Yikes. But the interesting part for me is that I didn't even realize we were giving so much power away to my fears. It literally was a revelation one day back in August when I was so sad that we weren't going to be living in our own place. We could sense the timing was right, but because we had already "decided" I was not going to live alone, we were feeling even that much more overwhelmed about the possibility of waiting before getting into our own place again, which was the ever growing desire of our heart. I finally thought, wait, why are we not finding out own place? We will be able to afford it. We will both be working in the same area, 50 minutes away from where we are currently living. Oh yeah, because I am afraid to live alone. And afraid to step out without knowing what was coming our way. I finally was empowered through the Holy Spirit with enough courage to move forward with finding our own home even though there were unknowns and a high likelihood of having to face a deep rooted fear. Oh well.
I saw a quote on pinterest that articulated my crossroad moment quite well.
I was finally ready to face my fears. I finally got to a point where this crutch, this fear I had become so accustomed to lugging around with me, got too bulky. Too heavy. And it was too inconvenient. There came a point in which it was going to be EASIER for me to throw that crutch away, face my fears, and develop those muscles I had babied my whole life with the aid of this crutch than it was going to be to continue using it to help me limp through life. There is a story in John 5 in which a man desires to be healed and Jesus basically asks him, "Do you want to get well?" The answer would be obvious, of course, he would want to get well. But in my revelation about this question, Jesus is asking so much more. I believe He is asking, are you willing to do whatever it takes? Are you willing to be uncomfortable? Are you willing to let go of the pain? The bitterness? The comfort? To be whole?
And back in August, I believe He asked me the very same question. And in my own life, I finally got to a point where I could say YES. YES LORD. I want to get well. No matter how much it hurts. No matter how uncomfortable I am. No matter what I have to give up. No matter how I feel. I am determined to be well and whole and free. And I will do whatever it takes.
And here I am. Getting up every morning in the dark. Going to bed every night by myself. And again, some of you might read this and wonder why it is such a big deal. And I kind of agree. I can look at myself objectively and look at this situation and belittle myself. Why is it such a big deal? I cannot fully explain, nor do I need to, nor do you want me to. That would be a book in itself. But all I can say is that the way I am wired, my past experiences, my specific places of pain, my unique fears all combined together results in this specific experience of living alone surfacing of my fears and weakest pieces of myself. This really is the perfect disaster. This really is the perfect opportunity to deal with areas of bondage and struggle that have kept me bound for years. It really is a chance for me to throw this crutch I have been leaning on my whole life out the window. And I am thankful for that and know it is not a coincidence. This situation is an opportunity for me to move towards freedom. And I am ready!
And I have been doing it. One thing Joyce Meyer has taught me is the power of doing things afraid. Walking towards freedom is not about not feeling fear. Everyone feels fear. It is human to feel fear. And it is not sinful to feel fear. It becomes an offense to God when we allow our fears to dictate our choices, and basically choose to limp around with this crutch when we could run. We could sprint. We could be free. And more than I believe God is disappointed with us because of our sin and fears and weak places, I believe He is sad with us in our bondage and pain. He is our loving Father and wants us to be free. For FREEDOM He has set us free!
We would so much rather limp through life than go through the painful process of rebuilding muscles to gain strength and freedom in areas of weakness. I like this story as it demonstrates my point. In college, my sister and her roommate saw a girl get hit in the head with a pipe and they ran to her aid. They were able to help the girl and because of their involvement in the story, followed it to see if they ever found the man who committed the crime. Sure enough, the authorities got him and, in questioning him, discovered that he had been released from jail that day and now was back in. When they asked him why he did what he did, his response was shocking. He said that he wanted to get back in jail, because in jail he had food and a place to live. For those of us on the outside of his experience, it is so simple to understand how much better life outside of jail is than living behind bars. There is so much freedom! To see the sunrise every morning. To listen to music. To be present with friends and family. To have the joy of going to work and making your own money! To wear clothes of your choosing. It is simple for us.
But I can also see how overwhelming it would be to face the awful transition of rebuilding a life after having made a mistake. To face the stigma and loss of reputation. To face the fear of trying to find a job with a record. To find a place to live. To make money. To rebuild relationships and habits. I know nothing about this man's story, but do understanding that this transition of entering back into the world after such rigid isolation is challenging. But to me and most of us, it would be easy to say that it is SO WORTH IT! It is so worth the temporary discomfort for all of the amazing freedoms.
What is even more shocking about his response than anything, is how close to home it was for me. How often have I done this in my own life and in my own bondage? How often have I stayed in a place of bondage because it has become comfortable? How often have a refused to endure the painful transition of living without a crutch? How often have I given power to my fears?
As I face my fears I find comfort in truth, and I find the courage to "do it afraid" in the Word. I believe that our fears can be the result of not having a full understanding of truth or of all that we have access to. John 8:32 says, "You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." There is a clear link between freedom and truth, and we can find truth in the Word. I have these verses posted throughout our home during this time of facing my fears. They bring light into the darkness of my fears, and while they may not apply to yours, I can assure you the Word will speak directly to your specific places of fear as well.
Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. 2 Corinthians 3:17
God is my Refuge and Rock, a place where no enemy can reach me. Psalm 62:7
When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I. Psalm 61:2
He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings will you find Refuge. Psalm 91:1
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid of terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6
Even more than these specific verses, I have come to a place of "taking my medicine" as Chris's mom has taught me. Every night before bed I pray the same prayer for Chris and I, and it does the same work for my spirit as medicine would do for my body. The Word is my healing and strength. I pray this prayer for sweet sleep found in a book called Prayers that Availeth Much by Word Ministries, Inc. There are multiple editions of these prayer books. These are powerful prayers inspired by scripture. I pray the prayer for sweet sleep for Chris and myself along with the prayer for a hedge of protection to be erected around each of us as we sleep. And there is POWER in these prayers.
Here is a little taste of this sweet medicine. If you ever feel led, you can pray this for Chris and I also!
In the name of Jesus, I bind you Satan and all of your agents from my dreams. I forbid you to interfere in any way with my sleep. I bring ever thought, every imagination, and every dream into the captivity and obedience of Jesus Christ. Father, I thank you that even as I sleep my heart counsels me and reveals to me Your purpose and Your plan for my life. Thank you for sweet sleep, for You promised your beloved sweet sleep. Therefore my heart is glad and my spirit rejoices. My body and soul rest in a place of safety.
Matthew 16:19 Matthew 18:18 2 Corinthians 10:5
Psalm 16:7-9 Psalm 127:2 Proverbs 3:24
Then I pray the same thing for Christer. Out loud. In bed. And then, I turn off the light and pray to fall asleep quickly. And this feeling of fear is sometimes ever present. But I do it anyway. I do it afraid. Because I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can see past the painful transition. I can see beyond the present discomfort. I am well on my way to freedom. Every night it gets easier. And I believe the Word. I believe there are angels guarding our beds. I believe the blood of Jesus covers us, and I believe there is hedge of protection around is. That no evil can penetrate. That no weapon formed again us will prosper. (Isaiah 54:17) And I take authority over that fear in the powerful name of Jesus Christ! And I have already seen miracles. I do have sweet sleep. And so does Chris.
As always, music has been a big part of my freedom as well. I am currently in the process of making a playlist to have on when I am home alone for these upcoming weeks after Christmas. Here is what I have so far.
What about your story?
What is your crutch? What do you give power away to? It may not be living alone, but what would it be? What gives you fear? Confrontation? Inadequacy? What people think? Driving in ice? (Another huge fear for me). Loss of control? Death of a loved one? Cancer? Whatever it is, we all have fears. I pray you could find the courage to face those fears to throw that crutch away so that you can RUN in freedom. The key to this freedom, I believe, can be found in the Word of God. When we know the truth about an area of fear, I believe we can be set free. (John 8:32)
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