(By the way, I do not love the font of these lyrics nor the :( parts... Neither seem suitable for the song, but it was the only one I could find! So maybe close your eyes or something.)
"What are you going to say to God when all you do is pray to God to take the thorn away, and all you hear Him say is 'My grace? My grace. My grace is sufficient. My grace is sufficient.' "
There was a day last week in which I was driving home from work, stopping at yellow lights and intentionally taking deep breaths to slow myself down, I was super sad and weepy. And I was crying out asking, when will this stop hurting? When will walking into our house alone stop being such a dramatic experience? When will driving home be the strangest paradigm of wondering what is worse- being at work or being at home? I could also frame it in the way of asking which is better as there are perks to both. But home has always been my refuge, my safe place, and my goal as I work throughout the day, and that safe place has been significantly impacted by this recent and temporary change.
I am amused as I look back and notice that my latest posts have all come from revelations I have had on the way home from work. I spend the morning moving mountains as I blare the Word through worship music and get pumped for the day. I spend the entire work day completely consumed with six year old issues like vowel digraphs, bathroom situations you wouldn't imagine unless you were there, trying to clean up milk that has been spilled and soaked into the carpet, saying things like "Miss Grumpy go away- Miss Happy come and stay!," and deciding which team earns the most points to get a sticker on their forehead. And my evenings have been surprisingly and pleasantly busy with so many loved ones. (thank you) And so my time driving home has become my time to very intentionally be in His presence and to listen. So just a week ago, I was crying out and asking, when will the pain end? When will the ache go away? Only to hear a clear response- "My grace is sufficient. My power is made perfect in weakness." Dang. So He won't remove this thorn quite yet?
Lets just read Paul's actual account about this thorn that was given to him. 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 says, "Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecution, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
The first thing that jumps out to me is the word pleaded, because my spirit resonates with that. Dictionary.com says pleaded means to "appeal or entreat earnestly." Earnestly is an understatement in my recent pleading. I have literally pleaded thousands and thousands of times over the past year on behalf of this jail situation. We were told from day 1 that Christer would have to spend time in jail and that this was a non-negotiable situation. But God. God is so much bigger than science and even the law. Not that Christer is above the law by any means and doesn't need to pay a price and reap what he has sown (very biblical principle), but that there maybe could have been another way for him to pay this price. My earnest prayer became, if there is ANY OTHER WAY to deal with him, I pray it would be another way. Pleading. Without ceasing. For an entire year. And here we are. After pleading and pleading and pleading for this thorn, this separation, to be removed, here we are. Jail. The thorn has not been removed. And it is tormenting. Torment means "to afflict with great bodily or mental suffering, pain." Perfect word.
But.
I love these buts. But then He said to me, even in the pain: "'My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness.'" Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecution, in difficulties. For when I am most weak, then I truly am most strong.
Delight? Really, delight? Delight means "to give great pleasure, satisfaction, or enjoyment. To please highly." Delight? So I am supposed to delight in this pain, this tormenting, this ache that will not end until I can touch my husband again? I needed this word to be confirmed. You would think one verse would be enough to strip me of my emotions, but I needed another one. I need confirmation that I am really called to delight in this season, because if I am, I believe it is possible and I will make that choice in obedience. But I need to know that this is biblical and healthy and will produce fruit. And on my quest to find another scripture that confirms that I am called to delight in this pain, I found quite a treasure.
James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
So when I read this I see a command and a promise. The command- consider the situation I am in through the lens of joy. The promise- I will be mature and complete, not lacking anything. Sounds like a good deal to me. I had a great talk with Christer last night, and we are both super hopeful that this time apart will bring us to a point of completion. Not final completion as we believe we will spend the rest of our lives growing, but to another level of completion and even a sense of closure with this recent trial. We are in the THICK of this process with the halfway mark being TODAY and we know this time is indescribably valuable for our growth. We both agreed that, even if I could go pick him up tonight and we could go home together, I don't think we would. More than we want to be together, we want to be "mature and complete, not lacking in anything" as the Word promises us when we allow perseverance to do its work in us. And I believe the timing is perfect. Christer and I are in agreement that we each need this time to mature and to grow up. And I believe his release date will not be ONE DAY LATE. Not even one day later than necessary to grow us each in the individual ways God desires. I believe the desires of our hearts will be met in who we are becoming through this struggle.
And now, bringing this back to what Paul said about in His weakness, having access to His strength, I completely understand. His words articulate my thoughts more clearly than anything else. In just the same depth of weakness, I feel equally as strong. Just as much pain as I am in, I experience just as much joy. Just as difficult as this season has been, it is equally as manageable because of the POWER of Jesus Christ. His power is made perfect in weakness. And my long life fear of separation has all come together into this very situation in that this is my nightmare. Being abandoned by my husband is my nightmare. Not being able to call my husband when I want. Not having CONTROL (hggmm) is my nightmare. The other night my husband said he would call at 9:40. When he called, I had friends walking out the door and I asked him if he could call two minutes later so I could say goodbye. So at 9:42 I was all snuggled in ready to hear about his day. 9:42 became 9:43 and my heart started to race. Then suddenly it was 9:47 - 9:49 - 9:52. Nothing. I know he is required to be in bed at 10:00. I completely melted down. Sure enough, 9:53 he called and said he wanted to make sure I had enough time to say goodbye to my friends. Loss of control results in messy Justie.
My struggle is not jail. It is not so much what happened last year. It is not the stigma. Not what people think. Not even worry about my husband. I trust that Christer is completely covered and anointed and equipped with this same Power. This same Power that conquered the grave lives inside of us. I don't fear for Christer, I don't fear for our future. I no longer resent him for what happened and his mistakes. I just miss him. I miss him deeply. And it hurts. But in that pain and weakness, I am strong.
The thorn is in the in between moments. Transitions. Not how the movies show it. I do not appreciate how all of the "painful" parts of movies are so short. I understand- who wants to pay to watch agony? But it seems that many films literally take the pain and make it into one song. And the song builds and it seems super magical. Me going to bed alone every night is no longer magical. It is fine, I can do it, but it is not some romanticized experience where the music is building. I know if this story was made into a movie, this jail part would be like 5 minutes and it would be a song and these snapshots of good moments and hard moments and laughing and crying. And even for people in my life who are on the perephial, who are not living and breathing this situation day by day, it seems like this wonderful time of falling more in love. But it hurts.
But even in that, there is His perfect and complete sufficiency. What does this sufficiency look like? So His grace is sufficient, right? Can that be articulated at all in a tangible way? Not really, but I will give it a whirl. First, in my experience, it has been a supernatural covering. One day I was literally having an awful day at work. Could not focus for the life of me. Often found myself zoning out while teaching and wondering what Christer was doing, only to zone back in and wonder what I was talking about. (Of course- o and r together says /or/.) So during my break I texted a few friends to pray and INSTANTLY the feelings in my body changed. Instantly. These are prayer warriors that I texted and they prayed and I was covered.
Another is support and people. Because so much of my battle is simply being alone, it has been incredible to see how much support I have had. Texts, phone calls, emails, offers to come over or stop by or bring a meal. Blessed blessed blessed. I can't even describe what a blessing. Family members, friends, colleagues, neighbors. Cards, gifts, meals, presence. Completely provided for. In every way. To follow up on my recent idea of not counting down the days until he gets out, I have decided to count them as they pass. Let me explain. I have been pretty clear about my obsessions with calendars, planning, dates, lists. And so instead of planning everything before it happens, I have decided to fill it up as time passes. More like a journal, an account of the provision I have seen. I decided to do this as a means of recounting. Looking back and seeing His hand. Seeing the people that have reached out. Seeing the support and love. I want to recount because it builds my faith in the midst of the thorn. And I do not want to forget. I don't want to forget what He has done in my life and how His hand has been there every day.
So I generally don't get super emotional when I talk with others about how jail is going. Not like I am pretending or consciously hiding any emotions from anyone. I would have absolutely no reason or need to do any of that. If I am hiding emotions from anyone it is also from myself and my Father, which I pray I am not. One of my thoughts is that maybe this Power is extra present while in conversations, as a means of Christ showing Himself and His supernatural strength through me, or maybe I am still working out some of the kinks of not having fluid emotions, which has been an ongoing process for the past ten years. I assume a combination of both. I mean sometimes I over-think the situation and wonder why I am not more emotional when I talk to others about what is going on. I can pretty easily cry my eyes out during my drive home, and then the moment I am with a beloved friend feel completely covered. Or maybe I am a private emoter. Is this ok?
Anyways, in this same concept, the other day I was talking with a friend who was asking me if I knew, without a doubt, that Jesus was real. And the moment she asked I had one of those flashback moments where I thought of every moment God has been with me throughout my whole life simulatiosly. And instantly, tears. INSTANT. So when my friend asked me how I knew, all I could say was, "When I look back, I see His hand." His hand has been on me. Every single day. His grace is enough.
What about your story?
Is there a thorn piercing your side? An area of pain you want so badly to go away? I dare you to press into the pain and see that in the center of it all is Jesus Christ Himself. His power is truly made perfect in weakness. Open yourself to this Power and expect to be amazed at the sufficiency of Jesus Christ.
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